Williamsburg Regional Library

Silence is a scary sound, and other stories on living through the terrible twos and threes, Clint Edwards

eng

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essays

Silence is a scary sound

1079849257

Clint Edwards

and other stories on living through the terrible twos and threes

"I'd gone to college. I'd written for the New York Times. I had a solid credit score. How did I end up here? After his breakout hit book I'm Sorry ... Love, Your Husband, Clint Edwards has more laugh-out-loud tales, this time from the "terrible twos" and "threenager" phases each of his kids went through. His relatable toddler stories leave parents and caregivers cackling, and remind us all that no one is the perfect parent. In fact, sometimes the only thing that gets Clint through the day is thinking about when his kids grow up ... and all the ways he can finally exact his revenge. Like leaving a leaky sippy cup full of milk to rot under the back seat of his daughter's car, or waking up at 4 a.m. to incessantly ask his son for a cheese stick. With essays like Locking Doors Is Hilarious Until the Fire Department Arrives, Poop Doesn't Go Easily Down a Tub Drain, Dad's Never the Favorite, and Face It--You'll Never Pee Alone, Clint knows exactly what's "terrible" about the twos ... and threes."--, Provided by publisher

They start to walk and your life begins to end -- That time my two-year-old hit an old lady in the face with a snake -- The pediatrician won't do jack (but that isn't the point) -- Poop doesn't go easily down a tub drain -- Crazy decisions I've made in an attempt to save my carpet, furniture, and sanity -- Silence is a scary sound -- Unsolicited parenting advice and how I'd like to respond -- I deserved an award for changing that epic blowout, but I settled for a sleeve of oreos -- Things I will bill my kids for once they are adults (plus inflation) -- Locking doors is hilarious until the fire department arrives -- You know what's worse than waiting in the van with a toddler? Shopping with a toddler ... -- Crazy things said while up in the night with a toddler -- Toddler-induced temporary insanity -- "The hardest part is keeping them alive" -- Sometimes getting up in the night was the only chance I had to feel like a dad -- Hell is taking a two-year-old on a plane -- Let's take a trip to the emergency room -- How I plan to get revenge on my toddlers once they are adults -- Can we talk about hand, foot, and mouth for a moment? -- Forty real two-year-old pro tips -- Sometimes they really nail the gift-giving thing -- Disneyland is awesome unless you take a potty-training three-year-old -- If you haven't carried your child out of a store like a kicking and screaming surfboard, have you even parented today? -- It's cool, sometimes you just have to bribe the kid -- Threenagers talk a lot of smack for someone with crocs on the wrong feet -- You aren't going to get anything done, so you might as well build a fort -- Stupid questions I've been asked while caring for a threenager and the answers I'd love to give -- "I'm done! Wipe my butt!" -- Dad's never the favorite -- Face it, you'll never pee alone -- You will freak out over spilled juice, be sure to apologize -- When it's your last, you can't help but play favorites -- Once a child can turn on the TV in the morning, your life begins again

adult